its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
