i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
