some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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