Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
