I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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