Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
