I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
