are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
where are my eyebrows?
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