Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
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Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
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I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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