what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
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Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
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I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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