our cab driver is having phone sex.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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