I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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