I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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