the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
