dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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