I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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