my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
