I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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