Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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