i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
