just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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