it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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