sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
