I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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