making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
