Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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