well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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