Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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