wanna go halves on a baby?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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