booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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