Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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