Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
