I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
