The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
