I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
