Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
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I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
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What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
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