she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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