I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
