Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
His nipple licking is glorious
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