If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
