My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
