I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
