Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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