College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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