Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
