oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
