bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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