Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
