i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
