Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
