I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
