Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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