Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Did I show you my penis last night?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
