Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
