you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
