May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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