be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
