Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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