If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
