Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
