p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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