and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
